Girl Talk Following- Beware

I warned you. Girl talk is here. This post is all about my CYCLE, the Monthly Curse, my Period. And Tampons. And Pads. So if you get queasy now is the time to scroll down to the next post.

Just to back up and bring you up to speed...

Since having children (last one came 8 years ago) my cycle has been ridiculous. That's right, EIGHT years of RIDICULOUS. Ridiculous doesn't necessarily mean all bad; it just means ridiculous because it is not the cycle of the woman I was before children. It is most ridiculous, in the true since of the word ridiculous, because of the sheer volume with which it makes it's presence. (I was trying to see how many times I could use the word ridiculous...Eight. The number of years I've been dealing with this ridi....ooh, don't want to make it nine).

But you need to know the other ways too. So here's my list (I like lists):

1) it has gone from a 30-31 day cycle to a textbook 28.
2) the cramps are almost non existent. I do sometimes feel like my butt is about to fall off, but not many cramps. Thank you c-sections.
3) it is sometimes bright red and other times a Merlot color (too much detail?)
4) it is so heavy that a Super Plus tampon sometimes only lasts for 30 minutes on days 2 and 3.
I always have to do double duty with the Super Plus Tampax Tampon and a regular pad because there will be problems.
5) During the nights for the first three days I usually have issues to tend to on at least two occasions during the night. Isn't it supposed to slow down while you're in a prone position not moving around? Of course I'm making it longer than 30 minutes at night so I guess technically it is slowing down.

My period has really started to change my quality of life. I can't plan to do anything while it's here that doesn't include close proximity to bathrooms.

For instance ( #1): 3 years ago on vacation with the kids. I "suited up" (ie: applied tampon - super plus as always), traveled 30 minutes to catch our snorkel charter and had to deal with it as we arrived. It was all I could do to find a bathroom before it got away from me. In the next hour and a half I also had to deal with it 3 times on the catamaran we were on. There was a big sign about what to do with your feminine products. Since I was in a swim suit I could only use tampons - no pads. So at least I didn't have pads to dispose of.

Another for instance (#2): we were invited to go camping this Memorial Day weekend and the dreaded curse was here. Day two. There was no way I was going to board a boat (no bathroom there) to go to an island (no plumbing there) and camp overnight. How would I deal with that all day? Trying to hide what I was doing. And then navigate bushes and such in the dark? At least twice. Not to mention what I would have done to get rid of the evidence properly without bringing attention to it? Also, no pads while you're in a swim suit to help conceal leaks. Not gonna sign up for that.

All of this to get to my new and exciting news. It has to do with Tampons so there is more tampon talk coming right up.

Do you remember last month when I was with my Mom at the hospital? If not you can read about that here. Well, my monthly course was here (that's what they call it in "The Other Boleyn Girl" and since it sounds nice I'll use it instead of "curse" or "period" from now on). Well, I hadn't packed enough Super Plus tampons in the purse and had to go to the neighborhood store to get some more. And you know what? THEY WERE OUT OF SUPER PLUS!! What was I going to do? This was going to be awful. Well, I'm a Tampax girl, so I started looking in the Playtex section to see if there were any. Know what I found? No Super Plus. But do you know what I did find?

U L T R A Absorbency. And I thought to myself, "Self, this ULTRA has got to just be what they call Super Plus on the Playtex side of the aisle." But it wasn't. These Ultra lovelies could handle 3 more grams than super plus for either brand. They have absorbency charts on the back of all boxes - I didn't just come up with this.

So of course I bought them. But since I was at the end of day 3 I didn't really get to see them in the heat of the action.

Until this month.

And let me tell you - even though my body isn't exactly the right shape for the Playtex shape, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE ULTRAS AROUND. THEY ARE FANTASTIC. I have worn pads, but not needed them. Not even at night. I have gone for multiple hours at a time before having to tend to the dreaded things. I had forgotten that having your period - oh sorry, course - could be so easy.

Thank you Playtex! Thank you, Thank you. I will however still use Tampax on those not so heavy days - I just like "the fit" better.

So, if any of you have an awful flow. Run, don't walk to get some ULTRA. They are in the purple wrappers on the Playtex side of the aisle.

Quick Follow Up To Previous Post

The Judy Blume sex book was not "Then Again, Maybe I Won't". It was "Forever". Mom had enough recall to know that I had tagged "Then Again" incorrectly.

Told you I need a refresher course on these titles. For now the Wikipedia articles are very helpful.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Remember being 10? Or 12 even?
Remember the books we read? Let me refresh for you:

'Super Fudge"
"Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" (currently being read by my rising 4th grader)
"Sheila The Great"
"Blubber"
"Are You There, God, It's Me Margaret"
"Then Again, Maybe I Won't" (maybe we were wee teens for this one)

Ah. That Judy Blume.

I remember hanging on each page. Problem is, I just can't remember any specifics about them now. I remember that I was always, most definitely, feeling something with or for one character or another in each book that I read. The only specific things I can remember is that Margaret did a Slam Book with her friends and was waiting patiently for her female curse to arrive. And someone (could have been in Tiger Eyes) was contemplating sex. Julia isn't at that one yet - whew. But "Blubber" is here at the house and "Are You There, God, It's Me Margaret" wasn't available at the Library.

I checked out my own copy of "Blubber" to read and will definitely be re-reading "Are You There, God..." again too. I know that whether or not Julia has questions for me, I will pose some to her. I think my mother did the same for me. Thank you, Mom.

Oh, such is the circle of life.

Procrastination, Procrastionation, Procrastionation.

I have laundry. Sheets to change. Kitchen to straighten now that lunch is over. Vacuuming of the house. Etc, etc.

But I decide that you need to know about my case of Chiggers. Red Bugs if you prefer. They sound more menacing when you call them chiggers. And menacing they are. I feel that you need to know about these more than I need to do that other stuff. O.K., maybe you don't really need to know more than the stuff needs to get done but this is my means of procrastinating this time.

Sometime over the weekend I realized that I had a few little "bites" behind one knee. We live in Charleston, who doesn't at this time of year? As the next 24 hours or so progressed, I realized I had them on my ankle, in my bikini area and the back of my leg near said area (the specific area that is visible outside my bathing suit - chez attractive), under my arm, and one lone chigger on my breast. All on my right side.

All of these spots are slightly itchy. Luckily nothing like poison ivy. And since I have a tendancy to be pessimistically optimistic (that means I sarcastically see the bright side of things) these are the funny things I see with these lovely red, itchy bumps:

1. It's funny watching my husband apply finger nail polish to the hard to reach areas. The little tiny brush in one hand, the jar of polish in the other. It just doesn't look natural for him. Though I think he much enjoys being close to those nether regions "helping me out". At first he didn't even know what I had him putting on me, he was just happy to have been asked. He knew it had something to do with nail products but truly thought this was Remover. giggle

2. It's also funny to me that I haven't had chiggers since I was a kid. It truly has been a long time and it just seems odd to me that I have them now that I'm in my last year of my 30's. Who gets chiggers now? When you haven't been camping? Especially when no one else in your family has them. How do you explain that? I mean, all three of my family members where at Camp St. Christopher last week. Sweet, polish wielding husband attended Buddy Camp with sweet son. And daughter quickly followed with a session of camp that ended Saturday. I picked her up, but I already had them by then.

Go figure.

I even tried to blame their arrival on sitting on my neighbor's back porch. But she doesn't have anything. Nothing. Not even a gnat bite.

Again, go figure! Luckily they are starting to dry up. Bryan will miss his nail polish duty.

Some days your days just feel like this.......
Luckily today isn't one of them. So far.
Unless this is so small you can't read it.

Homage to Math

Summer brings swim team, beaches, pool time - and the dreaded Summer Reading and Summer Math. For the children, not me.

The first year we got our Summer Math book, Julia wanted to sit down and do it all at once. Me, being the good mother, and knowing that this was to be done all throughout the summer to keep her math mind sharp, said no. I meted it out all through the summer.

Last summer, I let her choose how she wanted to do it. She had proven to be a pretty responsible little second grader, and I just didn't care, as long as some got completed each week so that we weren't scrambling at the end of the summer.

This little math book is broken down into several different chapters with several different types of questions. Cute little icons are used to let you know what, or how to complete some of them. There are also brain teaser questions every now and then. They are disquised as math problems and do not have their own little icon to let you know that a brain teaser is coming.

Last year, Julia got so fed up with one, and I go so fed up with her that I deemed no more math to be completed during the summer because I was tired of arguing with her. My sweet, agreeable child was turning into a purple headed monster before my eyes. I told her to just turn in an incomplete book and take her punches. This scared her. She does not like turning in unfinished work.

At some point I noticed that she had been quite for a while. When going to check...I found that my art loving daughter had created an homage to math like none other. She has always resorted to creating works of art to help alleviate her stress (remind me to tell you of the picture she drew through tears one year when she heard that she was going to have to have a flu shot).

This homage was assembled on the wall that is hidden when the door is opened in her bedroom. It was created with a bunch of 8 1/2 by 11 sheets of paper and some index cards taped to the wall. I didn't make her tear it down. It still hangs today.

One of the funniest parts of it is that during the frustration she spelled the word dumb with a backwards capital D. The backwards D looked alot like C l, so we now like to pick on her that things are clumb. It has turned into a cute inside joke. We all get lots of laughs from this wall of math hatred.

I just thought of this again today as I realized that I need to get on the children to do some more math. Legare is a little more than 1/2 way through his book. Julia only has 3 more lessons to go. And there have been no fights or arguments over any of it so far.

just in case you couldn't make out some of what she created:
Lots of "I hate math"
"Math - that's a bad idea"
"Math Stinks"
"Math is Clum"
"Math is dumb"
"No math alowd. I mean it."
"Math that's a harribble idia"
logo of math book drawn with:
"This is my summer math book. It has 70 pages in it and it is harable. I hate it."

Don't forget to click the picture - it should enlarge.

Following Instructions to the Letter

I know you've all heard this story.

Co-workers ordered a going away cake for a fellow coworker. Upon calling the bakery (a Super Wal-Mart is what was mentioned the first time I saw this, but it could be anywhere) the orderer leaves instructions as follows:

"I would like to order a 1/2 sheet cake, please. I would like orange and yellow roses at the corners and would like the message to say 'Best Wishes Suzanne". Underneath that, 'We will Miss You'. "

This is what you get when you pick it up...



Well the instructions were followed almost to the letter. The "H" was left off of the word "Neath"

More funny pictures like this at http://failblog.org.